CANCER????? WTF, Seriously???????????

So Abigail and I went to DC for our medical exams. I was feeling pretty unnerved about flying alone with Abs, getting the rental car, driving the rental car, etc.... getting around DC without killing anybody and oh yeah, passing my medical exams. So same old place, different people. Of course they want blood, and children's blood is the most important. AGH!!!! Ok, it's over.

So we go enjoy ourselves seeing all of my old friends in DC. Abigail has a blast and all of my friends think it's wild I have a mini-me. Having a great time plus I feel so proud of myself for doing it all... by myself!! Sure, I almost had two wrecks but that's normal for DC driving. I'm feeling really freakin' awesome and cool until Fri, when we got our results back from our lab work.

I woke up Friday after having a very disturbing dream. I dreamed my dead Grandma had come back for one of my child-hood friends. I got the feeling something REALLY bad was about to happen to her. I was so disturbed in fact that I decided to e-mail her just to make sure she was ok. She WAS ok.

As I was getting up from my sweat-drenched sleep my arm-pit and arm pain was unusually bad that morning. I felt so badly, in fact, that I vowed to pursue the are issue again once we got somewhere to live and were stable again. "Ah, I'm soooo exhausted. I can barely get myself ready." "Ah, I feel feverish and cold sweaty." "Ah, my arm-pit is excruciating." "Ah, my back-pain is worse too." "Oh, I think I may be coming down with the never-ending flu I keep getting every 4 weeks. I just have to pass medical and then I can be as sick as I need to be once we get home."

All the way to the medical office I'm feeling really, really bad and thinking to myself that I definitely need to have this arm-thing reevaluated. So we get to medical and finally the Dr. comes out looking like the grim reaper. "Great, another one with a personality, lovely," I think to myself.

As soon as we get into the Grim Reapers (GR) office she picks up some sheets that are evidently my lab work and she says, "first, you have a lot of high values on your bloodwork. Your calcium levels are high, your protein levels are high and these two elevated like this can indicate a white blood cell disease."

Having worked in medicine long enough to learn to stay away from it all as best I can I said, "Leukemia?" She nodded her head and said, "or something similar."

WHAT THE FUCK? DID SHE JUST TELL ME THEY SUSPECT I HAVE CANCER???????

After a few minutes to think about what she just said I was in total tears and ready to just curl up and hide. Where's Mike when I need him the most? Where's my Mom when I need her the most? Where is just SOMEBODY when I need just anybody the most? Since I had two little eyes on my every move I attempted to maintain my composure but somehow it ended up taking twice as long to get back to the hotel as it did when we left. Driving in rain, through tears, construction, and an un-updated GPS don't exactly make an easy trip back. "Sorry Jabbers. Looks like we're staying in the hotel today my sweet. Mommy can barely function at the moment."

So after FINALLY getting Mike after 6 phone calls over two countries I told him. That's when the gusher really broke and all the dam was broke. In fact, I cried most of the night. Abigail was so bothered by this she brought me individual napkins one after another, "Mommy sad?" Then she brought me her sippy cup of milk and held the straw to my mouth the way I do for her as she tried to comfort me. What a wonderfully sweet little girl.

Knowing I was no good to drive I decided to try and entertain Jabbers at the hotel in their hotel pool. After walking down in our swimsuits to find out the pool didn't open until 5 (it was 4:30) I decided a nice glass of wine would soothe the nerves. But when the hotel bartender carded me after I obviously had no id on me but just a swimsuit, cell-phone with room card, floaties, and a two-year old I wanted to scream out to that bitch, "I just found out I might have cancer you goddamn wench and you want me to walk all the way back up to my room for my id?" I opted not to say that but instead explained that by the time we went all the way back to our room for the key and back down the pool would be open and I just wanted to pass the time. Thank you anyway (bitch!). Then I thought to myself, wow, this cancer thing is making me way more patient with people I normally would have given a hard time. Then I wondered to myself if I had ever unintentionally inconvenienced or hurt someone's feelings who had just found out they had cancer. I sure hope I've never been the person who makes a bad day worse for someone else.

As I floated Jabbers in the pool and two older ladies came and went and the lifeguard and two African-American families came and went in the pools I felt so different, so far, far, away. I'm sure these people didn't suspect I might have cancer. I'm sure these people aren't thinking about cancer at all. They look like they're having a good time. They're laughing, smiling, talking to each other. Of course, I'm smiling and laughing too, for the sake of Abigail. However, on the inside all I can think about is "I have cancer. This explains so much." My mind was just spinning with how poor my health has been over the past year, how horrible I've felt trying to chalk it all up to allergies, anxiety, and stress. I realized very quickly I was not scared for myself but for my daughter. Oh, what would her life be like if for some reason I was taken from her so early. Oh no, tears. Change thoughts... who can I instant message and bug about this? So I sent a flurry of fb messages to all of my Dr. friends who in turn showed concern and also reserve in what they said. Whenever a Dr. is holding back information that means they know more than what they are saying and don't want to be the one to tell you. I didn't take this as a good sign at all.

Thank GOD for my mother. I told her early one morning and she was in my hotel room by that night. Whew! Mom has been with me ever since. She's taken over Abigail duty to give me time to relax, rest up, read, research and prepare myself to think about my cancer scare. Thank you Mom!

Funny, the plane ride back from DC was the most amazing plane ride I've ever taken. I realized I no longer had many fears, especially silly ones, when I'm possibly staring cancer down. For the first time since I was a kid, I looked out that plane window in shear amazement, respect, and awe completely filled with gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy all of God's creation from the sky. This was the beginning of learning to live like I was dying and it was wonderful!!