I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!

I have been given a very rare gift. I was given a glimpse into the life of someone with a very serious, life-threatening illness. I really felt the time crunch and felt that somehow I was going to have to fit 50 years of living into 5 years of living. I feel many things about my cancer scare. I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed that the State Dept. would give such a horrendous diagnosis based off of such little data. I'm pissed at how the entire situation of having abnormal labs was handled. However, most importantly, I'm thankful to have been given the opportunity to live like I was dying. I learned many things. I learned things about myself I could not have possibly learned had I have not of been put in that position. I'm so proud of myself. I also saw just how many wonderful friends and family members I have and I'm so grateful for all. I also saw who doesn't support me in my life, equally important but also very painful as well.

I may have anxiety but it NEVER occurs during a real threat. I continually surprise myself with my ability to tolerate stressful circumstances. The anxiety USED to always occur in between events as if my body were just quivering, waiting for the next shock. However, I think I may have let all anxiety go after being scared of cancer. It's as if I've already faced my biggest fear, saw I could handle it, and know now that no matter what, it will always be ok.

I think it's pretty safe to say I have a renewed self esteem and found a strength within me that I didn't know I had before.
That's about the only thing I'll ever thank the State Dept. for.