My Dreams Were Telling Me Something

For years I continued to have this same dream, over and over. I was in a house I didn't recognize but it was always the SAME house. Now this wasn't just a normal house either, everything was rounded. I remember attempting to draw how the central core was rounded and all of the bedrooms went around the back of this round core. None of the bedrooms were closed, bed"cave" would be a more accurate description. There was a LOT of natural light coming through the ceiling and plants were growing on the inside, and it was on a mountain. For a time awhile back, I would dream about being in this house at least 3/4 nights per week. I was supposed to be in this house, this house made me feel happy, this house was meant to be mine. I was happy in this house. In the future, somehow, I would be in this house and it would make me very happy. The last dream I had I saw I was entertaining people in this house and everybody was happy.

So its taken probably a year to sort out this dream and figure out what/ where this house is. You can imagine my delight when I DID discover just what sort of house this house is, it's an "Earthship" house!
http://www.ultimatesolarhomes.com/
Earthship houses are made entirely from tires which naturally gives them their rounded appearance, and round rooms. Earthships also grow many fruits and vegetables IN the house from reused water from the sink and tub (why I would always "see" numerous foliage in my dream round house).

Anybody who knows me knows that I've always got numerous seedlings in various stages of growth, no matter WHERE I live. I have always had a yearning to grow plants for food INSIDE my house, ever since I was a kid. I am an avid gardener, love art, love to work with my hands, and love to recycle and respect the environment. In fact, nothing makes me happier than to feel "at one" or very close to nature and in my dream, in my mystery house, I DID feel very close to nature. I loved watching a storm roll in and move across the valley as I watched in total safety from my mountain top in my "round house."

I'm SO excited to have finally figured out what those dreams were pointing me to. Now, the next challenge is to figure out how to make it happen. I would love nothing more than for my family to all be together working on building our new, literal dream home.

Just Us Girls

It was funny to read my last post which was written in the very hotel I'm in now... again. Only difference this time is that I'm GRATEFUL to be here in this tiny little room with my daughter. We're totally safe, nobody is going to hurt her, or me, or us. There's nobody's unpredictable mood to contend with, and for the first time I'm hopeful and happy. I realize now life before I left was something I had to "endure." Now it can be entirely of my own choosing, MY life, what I want, what's best for ME and Abigail.

The big gap in blogs is my time spent in Dubai which was, bittersweet. Don't know if I'm ready to write about that time because right now I'm not interested in looking back but looking forward. While its scary to think I'll be attending graduate school working at the doctorate level while simultaneously raising a small child on my own I think I can do it. What else am I going to do? This is my second shot anyhow and if I have to I'll take a third, fourth, or fifth shot too! I was accused of being someone who doesn't finish what I start. Never again will anybody be able to make that accusation towards me. While I'm scared I'm also excited and feel enthusiastic about my future for the first time because I can now make my future whatever "I" want to make it and when I'm done, I'll never have to rely on another man EVER AGAIN.

I'm looking forward to building a stable, consistent, loving, peaceful life for my daughter and she seems happier already.

.... and I was wrong in my previous post. I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever about this. My only regret is not leaving sooner.

Warehoused- expensively

Day 7 of being warehoused in a hotel and back to the single parent grind. I feel guilty about how wasteful this all is. Wasteful in money, food, and all other resources. Not that they're mine, directly, but I just don't like to be wasteful. Indulgent, yes, I definitely enjoy indulging now and then but this isn't indulging anymore. It's just waste.

Oh, and that opportunity I had to interview for a job is completely gone as we're not going to make it in time for the interview. Once again, another sacrifice for the marriage and the family. I'm all sacrificed out to the point of having nothing left of myself to give up. Maybe I'll find the final shred of my freedom as a woman is taken from me once we move to a middle eastern country. Perhaps, I still have more to sacrifice and give up than I realize. Something to look forward to I guess.

So here we are, or here I am, again, left with a toddler, by myself in a slightly familiar place with no other stay-at-home mom friends, left to entertain a toddler all day by myself with nothing left to give, not even a positive attitude or frankly the energy to give a shit.

Why am I doing this again?? Oh yeah, because the alternative is guilt.

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!

I have been given a very rare gift. I was given a glimpse into the life of someone with a very serious, life-threatening illness. I really felt the time crunch and felt that somehow I was going to have to fit 50 years of living into 5 years of living. I feel many things about my cancer scare. I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed that the State Dept. would give such a horrendous diagnosis based off of such little data. I'm pissed at how the entire situation of having abnormal labs was handled. However, most importantly, I'm thankful to have been given the opportunity to live like I was dying. I learned many things. I learned things about myself I could not have possibly learned had I have not of been put in that position. I'm so proud of myself. I also saw just how many wonderful friends and family members I have and I'm so grateful for all. I also saw who doesn't support me in my life, equally important but also very painful as well.

I may have anxiety but it NEVER occurs during a real threat. I continually surprise myself with my ability to tolerate stressful circumstances. The anxiety USED to always occur in between events as if my body were just quivering, waiting for the next shock. However, I think I may have let all anxiety go after being scared of cancer. It's as if I've already faced my biggest fear, saw I could handle it, and know now that no matter what, it will always be ok.

I think it's pretty safe to say I have a renewed self esteem and found a strength within me that I didn't know I had before.
That's about the only thing I'll ever thank the State Dept. for.

CANCER????? WTF, Seriously???????????

So Abigail and I went to DC for our medical exams. I was feeling pretty unnerved about flying alone with Abs, getting the rental car, driving the rental car, etc.... getting around DC without killing anybody and oh yeah, passing my medical exams. So same old place, different people. Of course they want blood, and children's blood is the most important. AGH!!!! Ok, it's over.

So we go enjoy ourselves seeing all of my old friends in DC. Abigail has a blast and all of my friends think it's wild I have a mini-me. Having a great time plus I feel so proud of myself for doing it all... by myself!! Sure, I almost had two wrecks but that's normal for DC driving. I'm feeling really freakin' awesome and cool until Fri, when we got our results back from our lab work.

I woke up Friday after having a very disturbing dream. I dreamed my dead Grandma had come back for one of my child-hood friends. I got the feeling something REALLY bad was about to happen to her. I was so disturbed in fact that I decided to e-mail her just to make sure she was ok. She WAS ok.

As I was getting up from my sweat-drenched sleep my arm-pit and arm pain was unusually bad that morning. I felt so badly, in fact, that I vowed to pursue the are issue again once we got somewhere to live and were stable again. "Ah, I'm soooo exhausted. I can barely get myself ready." "Ah, I feel feverish and cold sweaty." "Ah, my arm-pit is excruciating." "Ah, my back-pain is worse too." "Oh, I think I may be coming down with the never-ending flu I keep getting every 4 weeks. I just have to pass medical and then I can be as sick as I need to be once we get home."

All the way to the medical office I'm feeling really, really bad and thinking to myself that I definitely need to have this arm-thing reevaluated. So we get to medical and finally the Dr. comes out looking like the grim reaper. "Great, another one with a personality, lovely," I think to myself.

As soon as we get into the Grim Reapers (GR) office she picks up some sheets that are evidently my lab work and she says, "first, you have a lot of high values on your bloodwork. Your calcium levels are high, your protein levels are high and these two elevated like this can indicate a white blood cell disease."

Having worked in medicine long enough to learn to stay away from it all as best I can I said, "Leukemia?" She nodded her head and said, "or something similar."

WHAT THE FUCK? DID SHE JUST TELL ME THEY SUSPECT I HAVE CANCER???????

After a few minutes to think about what she just said I was in total tears and ready to just curl up and hide. Where's Mike when I need him the most? Where's my Mom when I need her the most? Where is just SOMEBODY when I need just anybody the most? Since I had two little eyes on my every move I attempted to maintain my composure but somehow it ended up taking twice as long to get back to the hotel as it did when we left. Driving in rain, through tears, construction, and an un-updated GPS don't exactly make an easy trip back. "Sorry Jabbers. Looks like we're staying in the hotel today my sweet. Mommy can barely function at the moment."

So after FINALLY getting Mike after 6 phone calls over two countries I told him. That's when the gusher really broke and all the dam was broke. In fact, I cried most of the night. Abigail was so bothered by this she brought me individual napkins one after another, "Mommy sad?" Then she brought me her sippy cup of milk and held the straw to my mouth the way I do for her as she tried to comfort me. What a wonderfully sweet little girl.

Knowing I was no good to drive I decided to try and entertain Jabbers at the hotel in their hotel pool. After walking down in our swimsuits to find out the pool didn't open until 5 (it was 4:30) I decided a nice glass of wine would soothe the nerves. But when the hotel bartender carded me after I obviously had no id on me but just a swimsuit, cell-phone with room card, floaties, and a two-year old I wanted to scream out to that bitch, "I just found out I might have cancer you goddamn wench and you want me to walk all the way back up to my room for my id?" I opted not to say that but instead explained that by the time we went all the way back to our room for the key and back down the pool would be open and I just wanted to pass the time. Thank you anyway (bitch!). Then I thought to myself, wow, this cancer thing is making me way more patient with people I normally would have given a hard time. Then I wondered to myself if I had ever unintentionally inconvenienced or hurt someone's feelings who had just found out they had cancer. I sure hope I've never been the person who makes a bad day worse for someone else.

As I floated Jabbers in the pool and two older ladies came and went and the lifeguard and two African-American families came and went in the pools I felt so different, so far, far, away. I'm sure these people didn't suspect I might have cancer. I'm sure these people aren't thinking about cancer at all. They look like they're having a good time. They're laughing, smiling, talking to each other. Of course, I'm smiling and laughing too, for the sake of Abigail. However, on the inside all I can think about is "I have cancer. This explains so much." My mind was just spinning with how poor my health has been over the past year, how horrible I've felt trying to chalk it all up to allergies, anxiety, and stress. I realized very quickly I was not scared for myself but for my daughter. Oh, what would her life be like if for some reason I was taken from her so early. Oh no, tears. Change thoughts... who can I instant message and bug about this? So I sent a flurry of fb messages to all of my Dr. friends who in turn showed concern and also reserve in what they said. Whenever a Dr. is holding back information that means they know more than what they are saying and don't want to be the one to tell you. I didn't take this as a good sign at all.

Thank GOD for my mother. I told her early one morning and she was in my hotel room by that night. Whew! Mom has been with me ever since. She's taken over Abigail duty to give me time to relax, rest up, read, research and prepare myself to think about my cancer scare. Thank you Mom!

Funny, the plane ride back from DC was the most amazing plane ride I've ever taken. I realized I no longer had many fears, especially silly ones, when I'm possibly staring cancer down. For the first time since I was a kid, I looked out that plane window in shear amazement, respect, and awe completely filled with gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy all of God's creation from the sky. This was the beginning of learning to live like I was dying and it was wonderful!!

Too tired to decide, too tired not to

With our future move approaching faster and faster my few nights of lost sleep have turned into most nights of lost sleep. I realized today I've not lived in my own comfort zone for years now and its really taking its toll. I've been perpetually sick with one infection after another, I'm always exhausted but never get rest, and sometimes I feel like a nervous wreck unable to handle one more challenge without exploding!

While I'm too exhausted to face another huge life-changing challenge like moving to a foreign country, I'm also too exhausted to remain as a single parent 24/7 either. Change was sooo much easier before having a baby. Now, any slightest alteration to the schedule really upsets the whole balance for both me and Abs. I just really don't think I have it in me to do another move to another unfamiliar place. I'm just now starting to learn my way around KY knowing where to get a good haircut, good local produce, and good clothes shopping. I feel like I barely get through the routine we have, let alone abandoning it only to start all over again. This time I'm afraid the "get up and go has got up and went." Oh how I hope this doesn't ruin my marriage.

Victory, How Sweet it is!

A few months back, right after I had just blogged about my concerns over "dogs gone wild" in the neighborhood a little girl was mauled. I was so angry as this has been an issue for us since we first moved in. So I wrote a letter to the reporter about her story. Well they liked my letter so much they published it as it's own article in the paper!! As a result, the Mayor called me up this morning. He said he wanted to call me after he read the article I wrote for the paper (not knowing I wrote an article for the paper I played it cool). He wanted to make sure I knew the numbers for the sheriff and animal control and if anything like that comes up again with dogs running wild in packs while my small child is playing outside he also wanted to know himself!

After getting into it with the neighbor last weekend and calling animal control I felt like such a jerk but her dog attacked my cat! On our own front porch! So the timing could not have been better for them to publish my "article" and for the Mayor to be concerned.

FYI- Abs and I DID play outside today and there was not one stray dog to be seen. I may have few other skills, but I can write a moving letter.