Warehoused- expensively

Day 7 of being warehoused in a hotel and back to the single parent grind. I feel guilty about how wasteful this all is. Wasteful in money, food, and all other resources. Not that they're mine, directly, but I just don't like to be wasteful. Indulgent, yes, I definitely enjoy indulging now and then but this isn't indulging anymore. It's just waste.

Oh, and that opportunity I had to interview for a job is completely gone as we're not going to make it in time for the interview. Once again, another sacrifice for the marriage and the family. I'm all sacrificed out to the point of having nothing left of myself to give up. Maybe I'll find the final shred of my freedom as a woman is taken from me once we move to a middle eastern country. Perhaps, I still have more to sacrifice and give up than I realize. Something to look forward to I guess.

So here we are, or here I am, again, left with a toddler, by myself in a slightly familiar place with no other stay-at-home mom friends, left to entertain a toddler all day by myself with nothing left to give, not even a positive attitude or frankly the energy to give a shit.

Why am I doing this again?? Oh yeah, because the alternative is guilt.

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!

I have been given a very rare gift. I was given a glimpse into the life of someone with a very serious, life-threatening illness. I really felt the time crunch and felt that somehow I was going to have to fit 50 years of living into 5 years of living. I feel many things about my cancer scare. I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed that the State Dept. would give such a horrendous diagnosis based off of such little data. I'm pissed at how the entire situation of having abnormal labs was handled. However, most importantly, I'm thankful to have been given the opportunity to live like I was dying. I learned many things. I learned things about myself I could not have possibly learned had I have not of been put in that position. I'm so proud of myself. I also saw just how many wonderful friends and family members I have and I'm so grateful for all. I also saw who doesn't support me in my life, equally important but also very painful as well.

I may have anxiety but it NEVER occurs during a real threat. I continually surprise myself with my ability to tolerate stressful circumstances. The anxiety USED to always occur in between events as if my body were just quivering, waiting for the next shock. However, I think I may have let all anxiety go after being scared of cancer. It's as if I've already faced my biggest fear, saw I could handle it, and know now that no matter what, it will always be ok.

I think it's pretty safe to say I have a renewed self esteem and found a strength within me that I didn't know I had before.
That's about the only thing I'll ever thank the State Dept. for.

CANCER????? WTF, Seriously???????????

So Abigail and I went to DC for our medical exams. I was feeling pretty unnerved about flying alone with Abs, getting the rental car, driving the rental car, etc.... getting around DC without killing anybody and oh yeah, passing my medical exams. So same old place, different people. Of course they want blood, and children's blood is the most important. AGH!!!! Ok, it's over.

So we go enjoy ourselves seeing all of my old friends in DC. Abigail has a blast and all of my friends think it's wild I have a mini-me. Having a great time plus I feel so proud of myself for doing it all... by myself!! Sure, I almost had two wrecks but that's normal for DC driving. I'm feeling really freakin' awesome and cool until Fri, when we got our results back from our lab work.

I woke up Friday after having a very disturbing dream. I dreamed my dead Grandma had come back for one of my child-hood friends. I got the feeling something REALLY bad was about to happen to her. I was so disturbed in fact that I decided to e-mail her just to make sure she was ok. She WAS ok.

As I was getting up from my sweat-drenched sleep my arm-pit and arm pain was unusually bad that morning. I felt so badly, in fact, that I vowed to pursue the are issue again once we got somewhere to live and were stable again. "Ah, I'm soooo exhausted. I can barely get myself ready." "Ah, I feel feverish and cold sweaty." "Ah, my arm-pit is excruciating." "Ah, my back-pain is worse too." "Oh, I think I may be coming down with the never-ending flu I keep getting every 4 weeks. I just have to pass medical and then I can be as sick as I need to be once we get home."

All the way to the medical office I'm feeling really, really bad and thinking to myself that I definitely need to have this arm-thing reevaluated. So we get to medical and finally the Dr. comes out looking like the grim reaper. "Great, another one with a personality, lovely," I think to myself.

As soon as we get into the Grim Reapers (GR) office she picks up some sheets that are evidently my lab work and she says, "first, you have a lot of high values on your bloodwork. Your calcium levels are high, your protein levels are high and these two elevated like this can indicate a white blood cell disease."

Having worked in medicine long enough to learn to stay away from it all as best I can I said, "Leukemia?" She nodded her head and said, "or something similar."

WHAT THE FUCK? DID SHE JUST TELL ME THEY SUSPECT I HAVE CANCER???????

After a few minutes to think about what she just said I was in total tears and ready to just curl up and hide. Where's Mike when I need him the most? Where's my Mom when I need her the most? Where is just SOMEBODY when I need just anybody the most? Since I had two little eyes on my every move I attempted to maintain my composure but somehow it ended up taking twice as long to get back to the hotel as it did when we left. Driving in rain, through tears, construction, and an un-updated GPS don't exactly make an easy trip back. "Sorry Jabbers. Looks like we're staying in the hotel today my sweet. Mommy can barely function at the moment."

So after FINALLY getting Mike after 6 phone calls over two countries I told him. That's when the gusher really broke and all the dam was broke. In fact, I cried most of the night. Abigail was so bothered by this she brought me individual napkins one after another, "Mommy sad?" Then she brought me her sippy cup of milk and held the straw to my mouth the way I do for her as she tried to comfort me. What a wonderfully sweet little girl.

Knowing I was no good to drive I decided to try and entertain Jabbers at the hotel in their hotel pool. After walking down in our swimsuits to find out the pool didn't open until 5 (it was 4:30) I decided a nice glass of wine would soothe the nerves. But when the hotel bartender carded me after I obviously had no id on me but just a swimsuit, cell-phone with room card, floaties, and a two-year old I wanted to scream out to that bitch, "I just found out I might have cancer you goddamn wench and you want me to walk all the way back up to my room for my id?" I opted not to say that but instead explained that by the time we went all the way back to our room for the key and back down the pool would be open and I just wanted to pass the time. Thank you anyway (bitch!). Then I thought to myself, wow, this cancer thing is making me way more patient with people I normally would have given a hard time. Then I wondered to myself if I had ever unintentionally inconvenienced or hurt someone's feelings who had just found out they had cancer. I sure hope I've never been the person who makes a bad day worse for someone else.

As I floated Jabbers in the pool and two older ladies came and went and the lifeguard and two African-American families came and went in the pools I felt so different, so far, far, away. I'm sure these people didn't suspect I might have cancer. I'm sure these people aren't thinking about cancer at all. They look like they're having a good time. They're laughing, smiling, talking to each other. Of course, I'm smiling and laughing too, for the sake of Abigail. However, on the inside all I can think about is "I have cancer. This explains so much." My mind was just spinning with how poor my health has been over the past year, how horrible I've felt trying to chalk it all up to allergies, anxiety, and stress. I realized very quickly I was not scared for myself but for my daughter. Oh, what would her life be like if for some reason I was taken from her so early. Oh no, tears. Change thoughts... who can I instant message and bug about this? So I sent a flurry of fb messages to all of my Dr. friends who in turn showed concern and also reserve in what they said. Whenever a Dr. is holding back information that means they know more than what they are saying and don't want to be the one to tell you. I didn't take this as a good sign at all.

Thank GOD for my mother. I told her early one morning and she was in my hotel room by that night. Whew! Mom has been with me ever since. She's taken over Abigail duty to give me time to relax, rest up, read, research and prepare myself to think about my cancer scare. Thank you Mom!

Funny, the plane ride back from DC was the most amazing plane ride I've ever taken. I realized I no longer had many fears, especially silly ones, when I'm possibly staring cancer down. For the first time since I was a kid, I looked out that plane window in shear amazement, respect, and awe completely filled with gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy all of God's creation from the sky. This was the beginning of learning to live like I was dying and it was wonderful!!

Too tired to decide, too tired not to

With our future move approaching faster and faster my few nights of lost sleep have turned into most nights of lost sleep. I realized today I've not lived in my own comfort zone for years now and its really taking its toll. I've been perpetually sick with one infection after another, I'm always exhausted but never get rest, and sometimes I feel like a nervous wreck unable to handle one more challenge without exploding!

While I'm too exhausted to face another huge life-changing challenge like moving to a foreign country, I'm also too exhausted to remain as a single parent 24/7 either. Change was sooo much easier before having a baby. Now, any slightest alteration to the schedule really upsets the whole balance for both me and Abs. I just really don't think I have it in me to do another move to another unfamiliar place. I'm just now starting to learn my way around KY knowing where to get a good haircut, good local produce, and good clothes shopping. I feel like I barely get through the routine we have, let alone abandoning it only to start all over again. This time I'm afraid the "get up and go has got up and went." Oh how I hope this doesn't ruin my marriage.

Victory, How Sweet it is!

A few months back, right after I had just blogged about my concerns over "dogs gone wild" in the neighborhood a little girl was mauled. I was so angry as this has been an issue for us since we first moved in. So I wrote a letter to the reporter about her story. Well they liked my letter so much they published it as it's own article in the paper!! As a result, the Mayor called me up this morning. He said he wanted to call me after he read the article I wrote for the paper (not knowing I wrote an article for the paper I played it cool). He wanted to make sure I knew the numbers for the sheriff and animal control and if anything like that comes up again with dogs running wild in packs while my small child is playing outside he also wanted to know himself!

After getting into it with the neighbor last weekend and calling animal control I felt like such a jerk but her dog attacked my cat! On our own front porch! So the timing could not have been better for them to publish my "article" and for the Mayor to be concerned.

FYI- Abs and I DID play outside today and there was not one stray dog to be seen. I may have few other skills, but I can write a moving letter.

From tumors on her face to beauty pageant winner!

Today Abigail competed in the little "Tiny Tots Baby Pageant" for two year olds at the county fair. I really had little desire for her to "win." I was more excited about having her picture in the paper for her scrapbook. I also thought it would be good for her to compete in something that required patience and following the rules. I thought that getting on a stage in front of an entire theater full of strangers and talking into a microphone would be a great learning experience for her. However, after she placed second I was so proud!!!!!

After everything she went through as a baby with hemangiomas on her lower face, lips, mouth, and airway there were many sleepless nights spent worrying if our daughter would ever function or look like other kids. Would she be mercilessly persecuted by other kids for having giant red and purple marks on her face? Would she be forever scarred physically and emotionally from her hemangiomas? Its quite clear that now the answer is absolutely no!!!!!

Our little girl has overcome so much already at such an early age which makes her a true winner forever! However, I guess for me, today having our baby girl place second in a baby pageant showed me that the hemangioma chapter of our lives is over forever. I felt as if today was a testament to the absolute end of one chapter and beginning of another not only for Abigail but for our family. There is much hope after hemangiomas and Abigail is living proof. Today, that tiny, purple lipped baby who couldn't eat or even breathe is an incredibly advanced, beautiful, smart, and charming little baby-pageant winner!! What a journey it has been!

note: just in case you're concerned, we are not going to be "pageant people" now. It was just for fun and experience.

Moments of clarity during stress

I was driving in the car the other day to pick up my mother from the airport when a song came on the radio. "I have all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more." Suddenly, the lights came on and I had an epiphany... I've got everything in the world I've ever dreamed of or ever wanted. I've got a wonderful husband who just got baptized and wants nothing more than to be a wonderful man/father/ husband. I've got a perfect, beautiful, incredibly gifted and good natured miracle child straight from Heaven. We've got a nice house, reliable vehicles, access to decent medical care, and we don't constantly worry about finances. I've realized my dreams. With that realization I burst into tears of appreciation to God for making my dreams come true. Everything else from here is icing on the cake.

It's been a rough few years. Its BEEN a rough life. My own mother was a single, struggling grad student with little spare time and even fewer resources for child-raising. My father was also too young to be getting married or having children and he was not a part of my life. I grew up the "gringo-girl" in a primarily Hispanic city. We had nothing and I felt I was nothing. I always vowed to get an education as my mother had taught me but most importantly I vowed to create the family I desperately yearned for in my heart. After a failed marriage, and countless rounds of unsuccessful infertility treatments I was so angry with God for not allowing my dreams to come true!!

Well as is always the case, hindsight is perfect and I see now that there was a bigger and better plan in store for me. Even when Abigail was conceived in a new marriage straight out of the blue I was pissed. Pissed that God had again not allowed me to achieve my new career goal (the new plan in lieu of being a Mom) and instead was just now allowing me to get pregnant. I had serious doubts and concerns as to God's judgment and timing and outright serious doubts about God! It hasn't been an easy path, but it's most certainly been God's path because none of this was planned. In fact its all been quite contrary to any of our plans.

First, there was the very quick crash course in a sober lifestyle. Funny how pregnancy forces a woman to sober up immediately. Then the miracle birth of our beautiful baby girl quickly turned into all of our worst fears when it became evident that something was wrong... horribly wrong.

Abigail was perfect and beautiful in every way and we were so grateful and relieved. Then, very quickly something started to grow on her face. As her mother and still in fantasy-land of new motherhood I disregarded the growths on her lips and lower face as "beauty marks" really not giving them a second thought. This was, I might add, quite uncharacteristic for me. As a former dermatology nurse and former Discovery Health channel addict I was very well aware of hundreds of horrible things that could go wrong. However, I was truly blinded by happiness (and probably fatigue). It was when this tiny little baby began to have difficulty breathing that we got the devastating news... upper airway hemangiomas. Looking back I realize just how careful and delicate the pediatrician was in relaying this info. When we brought the baby in for her visit the NP immediately put everything down and took an overly calm, soothing, and quiet tone with our child and us before we got the news it was time to head to experts and then directly to the hospital. It never hit like a ton of bricks. The reality was more of a snowball that was quickly advancing much faster than my ability to cope. I felt the rug slowly being pulled from under me and all I could do was stick like glue to my child and cry.

Oh, it was a time of many, many tears of fear shed by everybody... in private... except for me. I couldn't STOP the flood of constant tears. What followed was a whirlwind of activity and doctors and hospital stays with my first of many experiences sleeping in a pediatric crib in a NICU curled around my tiny 5lb baby. All of this led our new little family with half sober parents to Boston and new hope for our child's condition.

Then came the moldy asbestos house with the resulting loss of thousands of dollars. That led to moving again and a lawsuit. Finally the stress of the preceding months got the better of both of us resulting in a horribly scary, sad, and embarrassing domestic situation. Oh, what horrendous times. Sick child, foreign place, mounting legal issues, getting fat, not knowing how to "not drink" but doing it... however unhappily, and a shattered marriage between two people absolutely at the end of their ropes.

So it was with great relief that I realized that we've weathered all of the storms. Our little rag-tag family started with a couple of highly functioning, obnoxious, and self-centered drunks and we have come through the darkness as better people, better citizens, better parents, with better friends and a better marriage. Our daughter is now two and hemangiomas... what hemangiomas? Lawsuit... we won. Living life not like its a perpetual party... not always easy but better than the alternative. God... oh yeah, we found each other again and this time I brought a friend to meet the Lord too. Marriage... not easy but after what we've been through I'm so grateful that we still have each other. FINALLY, I feel we are, as a family, out of the woods and I'm so grateful that we're all ok and better than we were before. There were many times I thought that we had failed but I realize now that the key was not giving up. I'm so thankful that I've made it to this point and I'm even more thankful that I'm not alone... I've got my family with me.

CPR/ Heimlich Saved my Daughter's Life... twice!!

I can't stress enough the importance of being trained in infant and toddler CPR and Heimlich maneuver. I took the mandatory class just to bring home the baby monitor when A was a newborn and having her breathing issues. The monitor didn't do much but the Heimlich has literally saved her life, twice now.

The first time was around Christmas and there were some nuts on the countertop. I didn't know A had gotten into the nuts until she began choking! When I saw the look on her face and heard the absence of any sound I didn't even think before rushing in to tilt her upside down on my arm and administer the back blows. I did this several times and now realize I was simultaneously screaming out! It was actually more of a roaring from the deepest recesses within me as I pounded my child's back. Finally, the chews nuts came up into her mouth only for her to draw in a deep breathe inhaling some nut grounds again. It seemed like an eternity before I had every last bit of ground nuts out of her mouth. Of course she was crying and very upset and that's when I began shaking and sweating too.

Last Sunday evening I was enjoying some popcorn with A while watching a Disney. Snugged in blankets and pillows on the floor munching away on popcorn in the dark I suddenly saw that same panicked look on A's face! Immediately I launched into the same routine. As I was administering back blows to an upside down child I was also making my way to the phone. My hand was on the phone to dial 911 when she began to throw up. Thank GOD!!!

If anybody would have told me to do any sort of rescue maneuver on my own child I would have been sure to say I didn't know how or couldn't remember. I amazed myself as I've twice now launched into "choking toddler" mode like a pro. I'm still really amazed that without missing a beat or even thinking I was able to successfully administer the Heimlich. I still look back and sort of laugh at the voice that came out of me simultaneously as if I were some warrior mother! I really amazed myself and gave myself a giant boost in confidence because I've seen first hand now that in an emergency I will just instinctively know what to do to save my child and nothing will stop me. I'm so thankful for all of the mothers that have gone before me, mothers of settlers, mothers of the Great Depression, the mother of Jesus Christ, Mary. All of these women are among the most powerful souls to ever exist on Earth and they used their powers to overcome anything to raise their children. It is this innate strength that my "foremothers" had which now lives in me and I can't thank enough the mothers who have gone before me who strengthen and pass on to the next generation.

I would really like to find a way to raise awareness about the risk of choking in toddlers. I'm thinking I might like to provide CPR/Heimlich training to the young ladies at my church. It might be expensive but if it saves just one life its money well spent!

Thank you Fairfax hospital for your mandatory emergency training! You saved my daughter three times now!

My First Blog!! Oh My!

Well here it is. I've finally given in to "blogging."

Today I've decided I'm tired of being fat again. First I thought I would try and walk the neighborhood every day. Unfortunately, it wasn't long into that first walk when I remembered why I stopped walking the neighborhood in the first place. After dodging numerous piles of dog excrement on the sidewalk, in the street, and in the grass I decided the walks were a total no go when the Rottweiler started running at us. Now maybe his electric fence does work but I would hate to be the one to find out that his batteries on the collar had died. As headlines of "woman and child mauled by Rottweiler; woman vows to sue the city" flashed through my head I decided it best to head home. Seriously, I've never lived anywhere where people seem to be so anti-fences and use so many of those useless electric dog fences. Consequently there's a huge problem with free range, wild muts in the neighborhood. Ah... the country. More like ugh... the country.

So I opted for some hip-hop dance videos and a step and step dvd's. I'm feeling it a little in my calfs so pain is gain! Trying to remember it was barely one week ago when I got my spine injected (by a very rude Dr. I might add). So its working which is great but I don't want to push it which is how I suspect I got into this spine issue in the first place.

I have also decided to resume my Arabic language studies. I surprised myself with how much I remembered and I can still actually carry on a basic, low level conversation! Yeah me!! It's helping to stimulate my mind and moving gives me something to look forward to. I don't suspect there will be many free-range dogs in our new Dubai neighborhood. Nor do I suspect there will be much in the way of snow, drunk drivers, Wal-Martians, floods, moldy cellars, noisy apartment neighbors, or hillbillies! That is unless, of course, they are Americans. Hot, humid, climate on a beach, I've lived in worse.

Thanks for reading my blog! I'm excited to write something other than bills!